What to Do? Sunday Morning Edition

We've gotten in the habit, lately, of Keith taking Eleanor out of the house on Sunday mornings so I can get some work done. In theory, it could be anything from cleaning to working out to actual work-related work. In reality, it's always grading and lesson planning, because I'm always behind. Maybe some day that will change .....

But for now, we've had a really hard time finding kid-friendly activities on Sunday before noon. With budget cutbacks, it seems like most local libraries don't open until 1 o'clock on Sundays, and same with many of the museums. During this long, snowy, cold, snowy, gray, snowy winter, going outside isn't always an option.

In case some others have been having the same problems, here's a few of the local activities that we've found:

• The Cleveland Museum of Art is one of the few big museums that's open early (10:00am) on Sundays. And it's free! The parking does cost a few bucks, but I think that Sunday morning it's easy enough to find street parking. This is definitely a good option, and we love free things because—as all parents of toddlers know—there's no predicting how long you'll be able to spend there. So if you don't have any money invested, it's a lot easier to accept leaving after 15 minutes because the child had decided he/she'd rather play with the Playdoh at home. We're also wary of burning Eleanor out on this option, so we probably only do this once a month or so, if that.
  
• The Children's Museum of Cleveland also opens at 10:00am on Sundays. I've heard good things about their activities and that toddlers really enjoy the hands-on opportunities. If it's so great, why haven't I gone? The downside to this option is that it's one of the most expensive ones. Because it's aimed at children, unlike 99% of places, children under 3 are NOT free, but neither are the adults. It's $7/person for everyone 1 year and older. That's not terrible, but what can I say? We're cheap. I think of this one as a planned-ahead activity that we only do once in a great while.
• In good weather or in bad, the Cleveland Metroparks are also a good option. When it's warm enough, we can go hiking or sledding (like we did the other weekend). But even if it's too cold or rainy, there's lots of nature centers, lodges, etc., that have animals, books, and indoor activities to keep Eleanor entertained. All of their Nature Centers open at 9:30am and are, of course, free!
• It's sort of a sub-category of the Metroparks, but there's also the Cleveland Zoo, which opens at 10:00am daily. As I may have mentioned, however, we're "thrifty," and Cuyahoga County residents get into the Zoo for free on Mondays, so we tend to avoid going on the weekends. (The Zoo is normally $7 for adults and $5 for kids 2-11 in the off-season, aka now, and $11 for adults / $8 for kids from April through November.)
• Another option I was considering, but haven't looking into much yet, was joining the local Rec Center. They are open, but it wasn't clear to me what activities there were for parents and toddlers, if any. There's stern warnings against toddlers coming into the workout area with all of the weight and cardio machines. But if they have babysitting, so Eleanor can hang with some peers, I can get in a workout at the same time, AND Keith can sleep in, I think it's a win-win-win situation!

Of course, the flipside is that I should just get myself out of the house. I could get up and head out to the local coffee shop and let Keith and Eleanor have free reign over the house.

If you have any good, kid-friendly suggestions for Sunday mornings I'd be happy to hear them!

Photo Challenge: Sign

This week's Shutterboo Photo Challenge is Sign. Or in our house, the challenge of 1,000 ideas that didn't pan out. You know how some weeks, it's hard to choose which photo you like best because you have several different shots? That was not this week.

When Keith asked for ideas, being the literary-minded person I am, I immediately started thinking of plays on words. What could be a sign of the times? Or a "sign" as in predicting the future? But everything seemed too abstract.

Keith had a particular location in mind that he sees from the train into work. There's "No Dumping" signs, and also tires in trees and plenty of evidence that the signs are not being followed. He liked the idea of juxtaposing the sign against the opposite scene nearby. But, as you can probably guess, it's not the best neighborhood to show up with our fancy Digital SLR and start taking photos.

By the weekend, he hadn't really found anything he liked. On Sunday we went sledding with some friends.

It was Eleanor's first time and she LOVED it. As soon as the sled stopped at the bottom of the hill she'd pipe up, "Again!"

One somewhat unique feature of this sledding hill is that it's actually the 11th tee of a public golf course. Keith took a picture of the sign out front, letting everyone know to head for the 11th tee, but there wasn't much visual interest there.

Much like Keith's contrast of the "No Dumping" and the trash, I really liked the idea of the tee sign juxtaposed with the snow and the sleds. However, more like the sledding sign, I think the angle of the tee sign made it hard to take an interesting picture.


By Tuesday evening, Keith still had nothing. He'd tried taking a few pictures downtown, but didn't get anything he liked. We were heading to a friends' house for dinner, so Keith swung by the small, independent movie theater near our house. Eleanor and I waited in the car for about 3 minutes while Keith hopped out, took 6 pictures, and got back in the car.

And there you have it! The 5th idea, on Tuesday night, finally gave Keith something to work with. Here's the final shot.

What to Do? Evening Edition

It's definitely winter here in Cleveland. The days are short, and the nights are long and bitterly cold. There's been snow on the ground for weeks, and more predicted soon.

All of this frigid winter weather exacerbates a problem that all parents face: what do you do when you're home in the evenings? Not only can we not go somewhere while Eleanor's in bed; we don't even want to go within 1 foot of any winter, for fear of feeling the cold air seep in around the edges.

For us, of course, catching up on our favorite shows on Hulu is the default choice. It's easy and entertaining and we don't have to think about anything. But I'm perpetually trying to watch less TV (the jury's still out on whether I actually make any progress), so we've also been trying to come up with some other ways to stay entertained—G-rated ways, that is! (And that's all I'll say about that.)

Here's some of the options so far:

• Play Nancy Drew computer games. It's true! We like to pretend that we, as a team, are a sixteen-year-old super sleuth, traveling around the world, solving mysteries. It may be a game meant for tween girls, but we like it.
• Work out. It's probably been a year since we did this, but we were doing a plyometrics workout together once a week. There's not too much talking, so it's a good option for those days when nothing really happened and you don't have anything to say. And of course, neither one of us wanted to be the one to suggest sitting on the couch and watching [TV and eating] ice cream instead, so it was motivational. It only lasted for a little while though, because Keith got seriously into marathon training and I .... did not.
• Play board games. Or not really board games so much as word games. Bananagrams is our current favorite for a quick evening game, although there's some other options, too. What's nice about the board games, as opposed to the workout, is that we can talk while we're playing. So if it's been a day where a lot has happened (so rare!) we can keep the conversation going while I kick his butt. If he kicks my butt, I stop talking to him.
• Watch a movie on Netflix. You may consider this cheating on the "less TV" but I put movies in a different category from TV shows. There's more going on, and it feels like more of an "event." If we watch TV and it's suddenly 11 o'clock, I think, Where did the evening go? But if I watched a movie, it feels like I've actually done something with my time. Or at least it's clear that I meant to spend 2 hours in front of the TV.
• The worst option is that we both end up working. I always have teaching-related tasks that I could work on, and lately we've also had some side jobs to work on. Sometimes, we end up side-by-side on the couch, both intently typing away. It's like we're physically in the same space, but mentally miles away. Then we go to bed and talk for a half-hour because we realize we haven't said anything all night.
• Work on a jigsaw puzzle. I know! Is this 1850 or what? But I like them. I freely admit, I do get a sense of accomplishment when I find that one piece that has been eluding me for days. Oftentimes, we'll half work on a jigsaw puzzle and half be watching a TV show. Is this any better than just sitting down and watching TV? Or is it even worse to be trying to multitask?
  

So anyway, there's a few of the activities that we partake in, of an evening when we're staying in. What do you do to keep entertained at home?

I'm Working on Six-Pack Legs

Ha! I do recognize the ab wheel, and am familiar with its tortures!

Since I started this Bootcamp, I have used all different kinds of workout equipment that, until this point, I had only seen on The Biggest Loser. The ab wheel is one. Those huge ropes that they fling around with such abandon? Yeah, those are really heavy.

The most challenging piece of equipment, I don't even know what to call it. Suspended something or others? They have hard handles for you to grip and do pull-ups or suspended push-ups and more (so much more!) or soft handles that hang down from the hard handles for you to shove the front half of your feet in there and perform various excruciating moves, all from a suspended plank position. Here's something close to what I'm talking about:
Finally, I can also tell you that I know that this thing is called a Prowler Sled, and it makes my thighs burn while pushing and pulling it. Then I can barely walk for a day after a workout involving the Prowler Sled.

I had no idea Bootcamp would be such an educational experience. And I thought I was just going for the workout!

MY WTF Moment and the Idea of Margin

I finally got around to telling you all about my new 5:30am workouts because I really wanted to tell this story and it's important to know that it takes place before the sun has even considered touching the horizon.

Last Thursday, I got up at 4:50am (okay, 4:56) and got dressed and drove to bootcamp. I didn't take my phone or my wallet because, really, who was I going to call? What was I going to buy? I suppose Starbucks would be open ... but who needs caffeine after an invigorating workout?

In case you can't tell where this is heading, I was only halfway to the workout place when the empty light on the gas gauge pinged on. I can't stand driving with the gas light on. No matter how many times Keith tells me that I still have a good 20-30 miles to go, and it's only 5 miles to the workout place .... I don't really believe. I may logically understand it's true, but I spend the entire time in the car gripping the steering wheel, imagining all the horrible things that will happen when I run out of gas and get stranded.

So I did manage to make myself drive to the bootcamp and deal with it afterwards. But I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with it, exactly. I had no wallet and no phone. What are my options? Am I brave enough to risk driving all the way home? Even if I were, Eleanor had a check-up at 9:10am and then I needed to leave for work at 10:45am. Lately, getting Eleanor out the door has been difficult, to say the least. If I didn't get gas on the way home, what were the chances that we would be late to her appointment or I'd be late to work?

My brain couldn't handle it. I had to get gas ASAP or my head was going to explode from the anxiety and fear. I remembered I had a few bucks in the glove compartment. So after bootcamp I hurried out to the car and checked.

I had $3 in bills and one more dollar in quarters. So that would be enough for just over a gallon of gas. I'd feel stupid buying $4 of gas with change, but it was better than not getting any gas at all.

I went out of my way to go to the gas station closest to the bootcamp. I pulled up to a pump wit a sigh of relief. I had made it! The world wasn't going to end!

I went inside to pay my measly $4 to get the pump turned on. Some irate woman was leaving as I was entering and she said something about having difficulties paying. I said I had cash instead of a card, and figured it wasn't a problem. I went in, paid my cash, and went back out to the pump.

And then.

It didn't work.

The cashier came out and yelled something to me that I couldn't hear so I went back in. He handed me back my cash and said the pumps weren't working. I stared at him.

"BUT I NEED GAS." I stated, slowly and clearly. "This is all of the money I have and I'm out of gas."

The young man shrugged apathetically. "All I can tell you is that I'm pressing the buttons and they're not working."

I walked out, my $4 in hand. What now? Surely the car was going to run out of gas now; it seemed destined. I just kept thinking, "What the F#@k?!?"

(Digression: Keith and I don't swear much at all. Honest! Which is especially important now that Eleanor repeats everything we say. Like that time we were in the car and Eleanor kept telling us to "Strap Up!" instead of "Buckle up!" or "Strap in!" and I told Keith, "It sounds like we're a bunch of trannies!" and Eleanor happily chatted about being trannies all the way to the Botanical Gardens. So I'd never drop the F-bomb at home, but it seemed warranted in this situation.)

I mean, really. How does this happen? The gas station DOESN'T WORK?!? Who does this happen to? It was one of those moments when it feels like the entire world is part of a conspiracy to drive me insane.

But, no matter how much I overreacted, the world didn't end. I drove to another gas station and got gas there. I was nervous when I pulled up because the car at the pump ahead of me was running, its owner was standing by the pump. Just standing—not pumping gas or doing much of anything. I paid my $4 (again) and went back out to the pump to hear him talking to a woman who had just pulled up, explaining how his keys got locked inside. Whew! Not my problem.

My $4 got me to a quarter tank of gas, and the rest of the day passed uneventfully.

Once I calmed down, I kept thinking more and more about how the morning only became such a disaster because I was unprepared. I had known for the past week that I needed to get gas, but I kept putting it off because I felt like I really didn't have enough time to stop. I consciously decided to leave the house that morning with neither cell phone nor wallet, because I thought I wouldn't need them. My WTF moment was completely of my own making.

And it reminded me again of an article I had read almost 3 years ago over at a personal finance website called The Simple Dollar. The article was actually a book review about Margin by Richard Swenson. I had even blogged about it in "3 Jobs Too Many" when I first read it.

At that time, I said:

My understanding of the concept is that people function best when they have margin in their lives—space and time that is unaccounted for. This way, when something takes more of your time and effort than you had expected, you have some leeway in which to deal with it. Minor catastrophes and time-sucks can be dealt with.

On the other hand, many people today schedule their lives without any margin at all. (Can you see me raising my hand?) No margin in time, so I'm always racing from one activity to the next. And no margin in mental tasks, so I get worn down because I'm constantly thinking and evaluating and planning something else. When you're living with no margin, the smallest glitch can cause a ripple effect and suddenly it feels like you've completely lost control.

It drives me crazy that I still feel the same way. I absolutely think that I would be calmer and happier if I had margin, but it is still a foreign notion to me. I'd like to blame it on being the parent of a toddler, but the reality check is that I originally wrote it in March 2008—several months before Eleanor was even born.

What's it going to take to get a little bit of breathing room in my life? So I'm not stuck at the gas station at 6:30am with $4 in my hand, no gas in the tank, and a rock of anxiety and fear in my chest?

I might need to actually read the book.

Photo Challenge: Colorful

Does stopping for 5 minutes on the way to my parents' house count as a photo field trip? Because if so, we did make it out this week!

For Christmas, Keith took a really great picture outside the Cleveland Museum of Art and gave it to my Mom. My Mom loves nature, and Keith and I both liked having a Cleveland landmark in the background. It may not look like much to non-Clevelanders, but if you've been there you can recognize it. Sort of like a hidden image.

The colors of the berries in that picture were so vibrant that Keith immediately remembered that photo shoot when the topic of "colorful" became this week's photo challenge. We talked about something else around the house; with a two-year-old, there's no shortage of garishly bright toys around here! But Keith kept returning to that earlier shot, and he also liked the idea of a splash of color against the copious amounts of snow currently piled up.

So, as mentioned, we stopped by the Museum of Art on the way to my parents' house on Saturday. Eleanor, Beckett, and I didn't even get out of the car because Keith knew exactly what shot he wanted. He jogged over to the tree, snapped a few shots, and we were on our way.

It's interested how a nature shot changes over just one winter month. We don't think of trees changing much in the winter, but the berries in the second shot are so much more red, instead of yellow. Same tree, just a few weeks later, with a different angle. But to me the tone of the picture feels totally different!

I'm Ready for Bed by 7:00am

Okay, I really have been slacking on the blog. I can't believe I haven't written about this yet! A little before Christmas, I got an email from our pediatrician's office saying that, as a gift to the parents, they were offering a two-week free trial at Cleveland Fitness Bootcamp. After a few weeks of dithering, I signed up. For 5:30-6:30am, two days a week.

This appeals to me for a lot of reasons. I've finally come to accept that I MUST workout before Eleanor is awake; otherwise, it won't happen. There's too many other things going on, either legitimate needs or convenient excuses. I was actually doing well last winter, working out, but then in May Eleanor started getting up at 6:00 or 6:30am and I couldn't work out before that (okay, I refused to) so my workouts slid. Next thing I know, it's Christmas and I'm like a lump of sugar cookie dough waiting to be formed, all jiggly and, well, lumpy.

I also do like working out in the morning. Getting up at 4:50am to work out at 5:30 is a little early, even for me, but I love getting home by 6:45 and getting a shower and being done by 7:30. Keith hates to see me in the kitchen after I get back.

"Hi!" I beam. "Isn't it a wonderful morning?"

He grunts and avoids eye contact, like any normal human being would.

Days like today, however, can be rough. It was a tough workout this morning, and I have a hard time getting to sleep early enough the nights before. So it's nice to be done and showered by 7:30am ..... except when I'm already dragging and I open the bathroom door and Eleanor is already awake. Most days I have at least a half-hour of downtime so I can recuperate before starting my full-time Mom gig. Today was not one of those days.

But! I have made it to every workout so far, which is a good thing. I haven't lost any weight (mostly because of my diet, I'm sure). My usual daily workout of picking up/putting down Eleanor 50+ times and carrying her the equivalent of 6 miles or so throughout the day has gotten a bit easier. In the end I signed up for 3 months, so I can keep doing this until the weather warms up and Beckett and I can start running in the mornings again. Hopefully I can make it that long!

The Comfort of a Pillow Pet

Eleanor's friend down the street gave her a pillow pet for Christmas.

(Short digression: I really haven't written about Christmas, and I'm not really sure why. It was wonderful, we had a great time, we all got many lovely gifts. So I'm not sure why I've just not felt like writing about it. Maybe because it's over and I just need to accept that? But anyway, maybe I'll get around to Christmas in February or something.)

The pillow pet was one of the first gifts that Eleanor got, and is one of her favorites. We love how much she loves to sit on it and read. When Keith took this picture, she had gotten herself all situated. She carefully placed the pillow pet on the floor in the dining room. Then she went and grabbed a pile of books and laid them out in a tidy row. Then she proceeded to go down the row, picking up one book and "reading" it (she has them all memorized, including our tone and inflections in dialogue), and then moving on to the next one.

We had a good 15 minutes of time to cook dinner together and talk about the day! This ability to entertain herself has been happening more and more lately. It's amazing and wonderful and also makes me a little sad. I'm absolutely certain that her overwhelming need for me is going to drive me crazy .... until the day that it's gone. Until the day where she gets dressed, goes to school, comes home from school and goes straight to her room to read or whatever, or—even worse—doesn't even come home after school, because she's at a friend's house or some activity. So I go the whole day without seeing her.

Once that happens, I'll remember these days with longing. Like today, where she offered her hand and said, "Mama, I'll help you up so you can come play dollhouse with me." These days where I'm her favorite playmate and my boring, repetitive stories delight and entertain her.

Of course, once she moves on, we still have some pets that will need us. I've been meaning to write this post for ages, but since that first picture with the pillow pet, we've found someone else in the house who loves it just as much, if not more.

Gomez is laying on the pillow pet constantly. Wherever it has landed, she seeks it out. Except, at the moment, she's curled up in my lap. It's good to know that the cat thinks I'm better than the pillow pet!

I do want Eleanor to learn to entertain herself and be independent. The best-case scenario is that tonight she pulls out the pillow pet for a solitary reading session .... and then comes and takes my hand to help me up, so I can play with her.

Photo Challenge: Control

Yup, that's right. I haven't posted since last week's photo challenge! I got sick Thursday night and it was a rough couple of days. Plus, once I felt a little better, I had to finish getting ready for this semester, which started yesterday. Which essentially means that, ready or not, the semester is started and hopefully things will soon fall into a nice, easy, manageable rhythm. Right? Right????

Keith had a hard time being inspired by the word "control." Everything we thought of seemed too obvious. And, what with the sickness and frantic lesson preparation, we didn't really make it out for a photo field trip.

Last night after I put Eleanor to bed, I came downstairs to see Keith taking some photos of computer innards. He said, "I had another idea for control that has to do with yoga ...."

I said, "Do you want me to pose?"

Keith said, "Sure!"



And there you have it. My masterful yoga-ness. On the negative side, I think I'd like the picture more if it had more context. Like if I were actually wearing something I'd wear to yoga class, and not jeans and a sweatshirt. But on the plus side, I'm pretty proud of myself for holding that pose. He took a lot of pictures! So maybe I haven't been doing much yoga lately, but apparently I haven't forgotten it all!

The rest of the Control pictures from the group are here.

Photo Challenge: Joy

Keith's photo challenge this week was Joy. Shutterboo had warned that the prompts this time around would be more abstract, and so far that seems to be true.

What is joy? There's so many different variations of it. My joy (reading Shakespeare, sipping a glass of red wine) may be your torture!

We talked about something very abstract, like just bright lights or colors. But in the end, the first idea is the one Keith went with: an Eleanor picture. Because really, what is more joyful than a happy, well-loved child? She's happy, and she is our joy.

He tried a few different "photo shoots" (I use the term very loosely). Most of them, somewhat oddly, revolved around eating. Sometimes she eats well, sometimes not, so it's not like mealtime is a definite bet for a joyful picture It is, however, the time when she's most still. So that probably accounts for the prevalence of eating shots.

Here's a shot of hot chocolate joy:


















Some peanut butter cookie not-joy (even though she did like the cookie):


















This is the reason most of the shots are of her sitting and eating:


















And this one, too. I like it—the kind of joy only a good tickling can provoke—but it's just a bit too out of focus:












She also loves to read, so Keith was trying to get pictures of her reading. But she's always so resistant to putting her hair back that the cutest shot was ruined by her hair falling across her face.


















On the other hand, another negative of taking so many shots of Eleanor eating is that her face is often covered in food. There was a bit of Photoshop trickeration in the final, edited photo to get rid of some stray food particles. But I have to say, looking at her gorgeous, foody face does bring me joy. And make me think that she's growing up too fast!

Keith's 2011 Photo Challenge

I used to write New Year's Resolution posts, but that pretty much stopped after Eleanor was born. The first year of her life would have been things like, "Read a book," and "Once a week, wear something other than pajamas before 4pm," not very exciting stuff.

I still like the idea of resolutions, though. I feel like it's taking a few minutes, before we get into the regular routine of the new year, to think about the big picture and what do I really want to do, instead of just letting the year happen. So it's not that I'm against resolutions, but it's just hard for me to make commitments to many different things right now. I would make resolutions about reading and career and hobbies and exercise .... and my fear is, at this point in time, making all those resolutions would just be setting myself up for failure and disappointment. I accept that having a toddler is a full-time job and someday in the future, I intend to start making many resolutions again.

HOWEVER, having said that, we're now getting to the point of today's post: Keith's resolution! Okay, it's not really a "resolution" per say, but a year-long photo challenge. On Wednesdays, shutterboo posts a weekly word for the Photo Challenge and then any interested participants post their picture related to that word.

Keith participated in this challenge once before, but I think his interest fizzled out a bit towards the end. Now, however, he's all fired up because 1) we got a new 50mm lens as a Christmas present from us to us and he loves experimenting with it, and 2) he loaded Adobe Photoshop CS3 onto our newer laptop. We've had the program for a few years but never used it because it was on the old desktop that .... works .... at .... about .... this ..... speed. And then it crashes.

So! Keith's new photo challenge means I get to tag along on interesting outings. His plan is to take the pictures by Sunday so he has a couple days to play with things in Photoshop before posting the final version on Wednesday. This past week's word was "electricity" and we were visiting my parents on Sunday, so when Eleanor eagerly opted to go to the grocery store with them, Keith and I went the other direction, to the power plant in their town.

It was a cold but sunny day. I walked Beckett (or Beckett dragged my arm off) while Keith took pictures. Several things struck me as we walked:

• I had lived in this town for 20+ years of my life, and that was probably the most time I'd ever spent looking at/thinking about the power plant. That's one of the nice things about the photo challenge, getting you to view life a little differently.
• The "hum of electricity" usually seems like an abstract phrase, but not there. I could hear it and feel it as we walked by these massive transformers.
  

Anyway, I think this was a long, rambling post to get to the actual explanation behind the pictures. But I plan on posting for most of Keith's photo challenges, so the next post about it should be a little more coherent. Next week's challenge: Joy!

Letters to Eleanor

I'm always hesitant to make a resolution that involves the word "daily." I'm much more likely to stick to something like "average per month." But I've been kicking around an idea that is a daily thing ... we'll see how it goes.

I want to write letters to Eleanor. To the grown Eleanor, explaining a little bit about what it is to be her mother, a mother, a wife, a hopefully useful member of society. How I'm dealing with trying to be a mother and a teacher and find time for myself, too. I would like to think that it won't feel so incredibly difficult by the time she contemplates being a mother, but I would imagine that she'll face many of the same issues in one form or another.

So I've started writing letters. I'm thinking of ending them all with an "I hope" statement about something I've learned/still am learning about life, and something I hope she finds in her own life.

Of course, whenever I write, the idea of publication is always in the back of my mind. I would love to gather together these letters and publication them as a collection for ... anyone, I guess. I figure that mothers of toddlers would be most likely to feel that these issues and thoughts relate directly to them, but I think they could also relate to anyone who is trying to find some balance in life and figure out who they are and where they want to be.

Here's the rough draft from yesterday. Let me know what you think!

January 3, 2011

Dearest Eleanor,

I love you with all my heart, but I honestly don't understand how you, the center of my world, can drive me so crazy in 5 seconds flat.

You and I are having some boundary issues. You don't see why we need any, and get frustrated when I don't immediately cater to your every whim. I, as I always do, feel guilty for all of the many, many, MANY times throughout the day that I tell you "no." Do I really need to wash this dish right now instead of playing dollhouse? Do I really need to finish one more thing rather than cuddling up with you on the couch and reading together?

What I feel most conflicted about is that I need time for myself. I can accept that meals must be made and cleaned up, shopping must be done, etc. But I feel guilty because the more you hold onto me crying, "Mommy! Mommy!" the more I long for my own time to recharge my energy and patience.

It's the worst when there's someone else around who loves you and wants to be with you, like your Daddy after a long day at work, and you refuse, insisting that I read this book for the 12th time or the doll talks in my hand.

What is this overwhelming need for me? Is it love? Or is it something less noble than that? Am I a piece of furniture, a slave who has no rights of her own, who must always be at her master's beck and call? When you cling to me so vehemently, I never know whether to see you as an extension of my own self, to be embraced, or an emotional vampire who would use me up and suck me dry with no remorse? Your father insists that it's because you love me so much, and we have an amazing relationship, and I am a wonderful mother.

In reality, I think it's a little less than pure love and more than mere vampirism, and I'm okay with that. You do love me and we do have a wonderful relationship and I try very hard to be a wonderful mother to you every day. But also, you are a toddler and then world can be a scary place and I am the anchor you cling to. Sometimes I am your beloved Mommy and sometimes I am a familiar object, a comfortable port in a storm of new sights and overwhelming sensations.

This is good because I don't have to feel guilty that my 2-year-old daughter loves me more / better / more purely than I can possibly love her. It's okay that I occasionally need to put down the weight of your entire world, take it off my shoulders and hand it to someone else so I can replenish my strength.

I hope someday you will also find the joy to be had in solitary pursuits, and you'll understand that I needed time to refill my soul so I could continue being the best mother I could be.

Etsy: Fairy Princess

I meant to do more of these posts about Etsy, but never really got around to it. I thought I should do at least one more though (Since lists must be at least three items, I guess? I just felt this compulsion.) and took my inspiration from Eleanor, who was running around in her fairy princess costume, having recently turned me into a newt and refusing to turn me back into a Mommy.

So I looked for "fairy princess" on Etsy, and here's a few things I found.

• First I sorted by most expensive and found a Fairy Tale Ball Wedding Gown for almost $10,000. It was a reminder of just how much money people are willing to spend on their "special day." I really hope Eleanor doesn't get caught up in all that, because we have a college fund but not a wedding fund.
• At the other end of the spectrum, there were some cute Princess Magnetic Bookmarks for less than $1. This is another reason why I like Etsy. You can always find something in your price range!
• Next I did a local search on Etsy stores based in the Cleveland area and found these beautiful "Blossoming Romance Arm Warmers Cream White Steampunk Lace Wedding" (lots of keyword search terms in there) at a much more reasonable price than the dress (a mere $25). What is steampunk, anyway? I keep seeing the label on everything from clothes to cakes to books. I'm going to have to do some investigating, because I'm getting a sense of it as an overall style, but I don't entirely understand what the word encompasses.
  
• Finally, the dress pictured above is more of what I was expecting to find. A Custom Pink Rose Fairy Tutu Costume Set (complete with wings, corset, tutu and wand) that can be made to order for babies 12 months to size 12. It's $160, which is closer to the reasonable end of things .... but still more than I would pay for a dress-up outfit. As soon as I become independently wealthy, though, I'm buying one. Or two: one for Eleanor and another one for me!
  

Christmas Cards

Keith read an article on Slate the other day called "Did Facebook kill the Christmas Card?" The subtitle is "Our mailboxes are practically empty."

He told me about the article and its premise as we sat at the dining room table. I looked around at the numerous Christmas cards we've received, hanging on ribbons across doorways, windows, and the mantle. I think we sent out about 60 cards, and probably received nearly the same.

I'm not really convinced by the author's argument that no one sends Christmas cards anymore. First of all, the author admits to not sending out cards. I've definitely taken people off our Christmas card list if I don't get reply cards from them for a few years in a row. It's not that I'm angry or anything; I just figure that they don't really care much about the tradition, so why would I keep sending them?

Therefore, if I were friends with the author, I wouldn't be sending her Christmas cards, even though I would be sending and receiving plenty of my own.

I like the photo Christmas cards (clearly, since those are the ones I send myself). It's nice to get a tangible reminder that someone is thinking of you at the holidays, and take a moment to look at the card and think about how the little ones have grown, etc. Hanging up the cards around the house helps get me in the Christmas spirit in terms of acknowledging and appreciating all of the friends and family we are privileged to have in our lives.

I disagree with the Slate author. I don't think the Christmas card is dead, because Facebook is something different; it's all about the sender and not the receiver. There is no real receiver. Having said that, however, I don't feel like I can predict what's going to happen in the next 5-10 years. Will people stop sending real Christmas cards? Will something technological come along that actually replaces the feeling of getting envelopes in the mail and admiring the Christmas card in your hand?

If something came along that felt as personal and friendly as a Christmas card, I would probably switch. But I haven't seen it yet.


*Isn't this clip art picture creepy? I think Santa's had a stroke or something; there's just something not quite right with his eyes.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

I have a very high tolerance for Christmas music, as Keith can attest. I pretty much listen to it constantly from the day after Thanksgiving until after the New Year.

But every year, I get annoyed at the beginning of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." That spoken intro part, that goes:

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.
But do you recall ...
The most famous reindeer of all?

Isn't that a stupid question? It's assuming that you know all of the lesser reindeer, but that you might forget the "most famous reindeer of all?" The illogicality of it bothers me every time.

Christmas Ornament 2008

This is what I suspect will be the first of many Eleanor ornaments. We sent off a picture of our chubby 5-month-old baby (so hard to believe it was only 2 years ago!) to a now-defunct Etsy shop that made these ornaments. We got one for ourselves and I think just for the grandparents. I'm looking forward to the ornaments that she makes, by herself, in the future.

Christmas Ornament 2006

We moved to Cleveland in April 2006 and into our house a few months later, so that year was our first Christmas in our very own home.

I offered to host Christmas, which was an adventure. I even cooked a turkey! (And haven't done it since.) Keith and I spent Christmas morning in our own bed, in our own house, which was heavenly.

Even when we weren't living in Cleveland, my Mom and I have had a long-standing tradition of a museum day around the Christmas holiday. I think it started when I was in college and home for a few weeks. We'd pick a day after Christmas to go out to lunch and visit one of the local museums. Before we left, we'd stop into the museum gift shop and buy a few Christmas ornaments at ridiculously marked-down prices.

In 2006, we went to the Cleveland Botanical Gardens. Funnily enough, I've never actually been there when it's warm outside, and have yet to see the outdoor gardens. Ever since that first trip, I've always gone in the winter to see their gingerbread house display. They have a competition and the houses range from fabulosity to monstrosities, built with love and pudgy little toddler fingers. They put me in a Christmas mood, even after the actual day has passed.

We haven't talked about it yet, but hopefully we get to a museum again this year. And that it's a tradition that Eleanor will want to continue!

Survey says ... Good job!

My final class was this afternoon, and right now I'm grading the last of the essays from this semester. Less than 10 to go!

Of course, even with the finish line in sight, I'm still dallying. Watching a bit of "Bones," grading an essay, posting a blog, grading an essay .... you would think that I'd feel this super urgency to get through the grading and be Done. Done for a month! But the lethargy of grading wins out. There's only so many essays I can read on the same topic without zoning out.

One really nice thing about the end of this semester has been the class surveys. I created a basic survey to find out whether my students thought my teaching was effective or not, and maybe give me some suggestions on what to change or keep. Overall, I've learned:

1. No one agrees on whether they liked the readings or not. The feedback on nearly every one runs the gamut from "completely ineffective" to "best ever!"
   
2. No one agrees on whether some online activities were helpful or a waste of time. This was something new this semester, and I was really hoping the surveys would clarify whether it worked or not. But clarity is not to be had.
3. They like me, they really like me! Even the class that was the most challenging (cell phones out, staring at me when I asked questions, not wanting to do activities) gave me overwhelmingly good feedback. The answer to the question, "What should I change?" was almost always "nothing," or something very minor. What students wanted to change most often was themselves: "I should have been in class more" or "Paid more attention!"

My first reaction, of course, is to float on Cloud 9. I will always keep these surveys. It definitely ends the semester on a high note, and actually makes me look forward to the next semester (which doesn't usually happen for a few more weeks).

On the other hand, as a pseudo-scientist, I doubt their objectivity. For several reasons:

1. I am their only ENG-1010 professor. (Not true for all, but for many.) It's hard to rate me compared to other ENG-1010 profs or compare this course when you don't have experience with anyone else. Particularly when, for many students, this is the first college-level English course they've taken.
   
2. I handed out the surveys in class, stayed in the room while they filled them out, and collected them at the end. They may have tended toward positive remarks either because they didn't want to hurt my feelings, or they didn't want to hurt their grades.
   
3. The students who had really bad things to say about the class most likely didn't make it to class, had given up on participation points long ago, and just emailed in their essays.

It's a good feeling. Everyone loves positive feedback! But I am taking it with a grain of salt. There were differences in all three classes, but all of them said to not change a thing. I think that students like what they know, and because this was their English class, they want to believe that it was a good one.

But I'm not completely a Debbie Downer, I swear. It was really important to me that they all felt like I was available outside of class and that my expectations (and subsequent grades) were clear, and those issues were definitely affirmed.

Anyway, that's probably all of the dissecting of the surveys I should do. I could keep going, except it would read like a 12-year-old girl's Pro/Con list for asking Sean to slow dance on Friday night. Every positive would have a negative, the list would never end ... and all of the i's would be dotted with cute hearts.

Back to grading. After I get a glass of wine ....

Christmas Ornament 2005

This ornament represents kind of a best and worst moment in my life. It was purchased in November or December 2005, from the Ten Thousand Villages store in the O'Bryanville area of Cincinnati. This ornament might look quite familiar to some, because we bought a lot of them and tied them onto everyone's gifts that year.

We were living in Cincinnati at the time. Since February, I had been working at a job that made me completely miserable. I was so depressed, actually, that I was taking antidepressants for the first (and still only, up to this point anyway) time in my life. I cried all the time. When I tried to enter the work building, I could feel the tears building up. My boss was horrible, there was too much work to do, not enough time to do it in, and no recognition that I was given an impossible task, with an impossible manager, and doing the best I could with hardly any training or support.

I stuck it out for as long as I could—much longer than was reasonable, because I'm stubborn like that. But I finally handed in an ultimatum at the end of November to the department head: You've been promising me for months that you would remedy all of these complaints, which you have agreed are an issue. I'm tired of promises, so either fix it or consider this my two weeks' notice.

She called me in for a meeting the next day and said she accepted my resignation and it was effective immediately. She gave no acknowledgement that the situation was in any way her fault or responsibility. I was unreliable and a quitter was the undercurrent in the room. I had the rest of the day to clean out my desk and get everything in order.

I started crying because I was so shocked, even though I shouldn't have been. I was not treated well the whole time I was there—why should it start now? But I got myself together and went back to my desk. I only told one co-worker what happened and asked her to keep it quiet, and then spent the rest of the afternoon working away on my computer and pretending like nothing had happened. I hung around until after 6, when most people had already left. This wasn't unusual, since I had regularly been working 50-60 hour weeks ever since I started. I cleaned out my desk, said "good-bye" to a couple of people who were still there, and left.

I went home and told Keith and cried. I had no idea if I was relieved or upset or which way was up. This horrible job had been consuming my thoughts and emotions for months—many days it felt like it was consuming me—and suddenly it was gone. What next?

What does one do after essentially getting fired? Go shopping, of course! Keith took the following day off work and we went Christmas shopping. We had a really nice day together, because every time we are together we enjoy it, and we bought most of our presents from small shops close to our apartment. We walked, we talked, we shopped, we ate.

Slowly, the anxiety that had been squeezing my chest into a knot 24/7 started to ease. I began to think that there would be life after this horrible job. Something would work out .... and no matter what it was or how long it took, it would be worth it because I wouldn't be at that place anymore!

This ornament reminds me of just how dark that time was for me, but how far I've come since. I learned a valuable lesson that if the whole situation seems bad from the beginning, it probably is. I should trust my instincts and move on! And I should also know that I'm a good, hard worker. If I'm trying my hardest and I can't meet someone's expectations, those expectations just might be unreasonable. So instead of working myself into the ground to meet them, I should take a step back and think about what's feasible, and recognize that I need a work/life balance (emphasis on the "life" part) to be content.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

Yesterday was a crazy, crazy day. I thought Monday's snow was bad, but yesterday was so much worse. It was fine overnight, but it started snowing at about 9 o'clock in the morning and still hadn't stopped by 7 o'clock that night, when I was trying to get home from work.

I really shouldn't complain about my drive, however. It usually takes me 20-30 minutes to get home from campus. Yesterday was more like 45 minutes (an hour if you could the time that I spent even cleaning off my car before I could get on the road). On the other hand, my sister drives across town to watch Eleanor for me on Wednesdays. It normally takes her about an hour to get home. Yesterday it took 4 hours. 4 HOURS! She could have made almost to Cincinnati in that amount of time.

Today, however, there's a beautiful blue sky and the sun is shining brightly—blindingly on all of the pristine white snow. I do think that all of the snow (once it's off the road) is beautiful and festive. After all of this, we'd better have a white Christmas!

Image Credit: "Photos: Feet of Snow Bury Great Lakes" article at Weather.com

Christmas Ornament 2002

... and back to the post I originally meant to write yesterday, if I wasn't battling the snow. This is an ornament I picked up for Keith when I was in Savannah, Georgia at a work conference in 2002. And by work conference, I mean I worked for the organization that ran the conference, there was only 3 or 4 of us full-time staff, and we worked the entire time. We never saw the outside of the hotel until long after the sun went down.

What I did see of the city, I really liked though. I loved the architecture and the parks. One night we took a ghost tour (what else do you do at night in a new city? with co-workers?) which was fun. On the last day, I had a few hours to myself to wander around, shop, and be touristy before we flew back home.

So many cute shops! Since the conference was right before Thanksgiving, everyone already had their Christmas items on display. I bought this ornament for Keith as a, "Hey! I was thinking about you! Even if I hardly ever got the chance to call you."

The whole time I was walking around, I kept thinking of how much more fun I'd be having if Keith were there, too. I did like the city, but I feel like I saw and experienced very little of it. I'm still hoping to go back there one day, with Keith, and see and do a lot more. But still take the ghost tour!

Christmas Ornament 1987

It's hard to believe I haven't done this before (and I haven't—I just checked), but I thought for this week I'd feature a few of the ornaments on our Christmas tree. It took us a week, but our tree is purchased, on display, and decorated. And of course, one of the best parts is pulling all of the ornaments out of the box and memories surging forward with every one.

I figured I'd start with the oldest ornament I wanted to feature, and one of the oldest ornaments I have. My Grandma Stroh gave it to me in 1987, when I was 9 years old. I'm a little shocked it's lasted this long, knowing my klutziness (cue the Christmas tree taking-down disaster, now that I've jinxed it).

I have so many fond memories of Christmas with my grandparents on both sides. We (parents and sisters) were also home on Christmas morning. The first time I woke up somewhere other than my parents' house on Christmas morning was when I was 22 years old, and in Scotland. With both sets of grandparents living locally, we never traveled for Christmas and I was/am glad of that tradition. I think we would usually go to one grandparents' on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas morning at home, and then go to the other grandparents' on Christmas afternoon.

For Eleanor it's a little different, since Keith's parents and family live over 4 hours away. We do always go visit soon after Christmas, but not right on the day. We do, however, always spend Christmas morning at home, in our living room, gathered around our own Christmas tree.

This ornament from Grandma Stroh reminds me of the traditions of both gathering with extended family, and making time to enjoy immediate family who I may take for granted on a daily basis. Eleanor has already decided that Santa is bringing her a baby doll and doggy pajamas. I'm really looking forward to seeing her face this year when she rounds the corner and sees the presents under the tree.

*Many thanks to Keith, my wonderful photographer, for these pictures and all the rest.

Breaking the Internet with Uploads

It feels like we've been breaking the Internet lately. First, due to the oft-mentioned hard drive blow-up, we've been uploading our entire lives to Mozy for the past 3 weeks. THREE WEEKS. I had no idea we had that much data, but apparently we do, and it takes forever to back up. It should be done today or tomorrow, though, which is pretty exciting. Now, if our house burns down, I'll still have an electronic copy of my to-do lists and debt repayment plan. Yippee!

We would be done with that already, except we paused it over the weekend for a different uploading project. We've been printing our photos with Snapfish for a few years now. They do a good job, they're quick, and it's 9cents per 4x6 print. Even though the shipping ALWAYS ends up to be so much more than I expect, every time I've compared the cost to somewhere else, Snapfish ends up the winner. Especially because we usually prepay credits, which knocks the price down to 8cents/print.

At first, we opted to do the highest resolution upload to Snapfish, but at the rate we were going, it would have taken us another 3 weeks to upload all of our photos. We changed to a faster upload option, which still gave us enough resolution to print enlargements up to 8x10 (and I certainly don't need to see pictures of myself any bigger than that), and finished uploading by Sunday afternoon. THEN, I threw together a photo Christmas card and we uploaded that to Snapfish, too.

So later this week, we should be receiving about 9 pounds of pictures. Did I mention that we printed over 1,000 4x6 prints?

This rambling story does have a point, I swear. Keith and I were marvelling at how many photos we take and print, and how that wouldn't have been possible in the days of actual film. I don't even want to think about how much it would have cost to print that many photos from film—plus the cost of buying the film in the first place. And what about all of the pictures we take that we don't even end up printing? We wanted a picture of my entire family at Eleanor's birthday party, and with two toddlers in the picture I think we took at least 20 shots to make sure one was usable. Can you imagine using almost a whole roll of film at once?

And likewise with the computer files. A lot of them are photos, but not everything. We also store a significant amount of music in iTunes. At this point, most of the albums are ones of which we also own the physical CD, but lately we've done a lot more simply downloading MP3 files. At some point in the not-so-distant future, I imagine that the majority of our music will all be files instead of CDs. Flash drives these days have more memory than the computer I had 10 years ago. Can you imagine if I tried to physically store all of the electronic information that we have? There's no way it would happen. Or if I tried to do by hand all of the things that are accomplished by programs like Word and Photoshop?

Realizing how much digital information we have also makes me realize how much our lives have changed since 20 years ago. I would say that Keith and I have jumped into the digital age with both feet, yet I'm still on the fence about whether it's made our lives better or not. Am I happy about digital photography quality and price? Yes. Am I happy to have constant access to new music, news, and information? Yes.

Is my life any easier? I don't really know. But is that the goal?

Etsy: Grammar

Meg's response to "Geeky Processed Meat?" inspired me to do a few more Etsy-themed posts for the Christmas season. Of course, the first thing I thought of ... no wait. What happened first after I had this great idea was that I drew a blank. What word could I search on that would use as interesting and varied results as bacon?

So rather than wait for that one fantabulous word to come to me, I did the next best thing. What is a word that I would want? So I searched on grammar.

The results were neither as robust nor as random as with bacon. The emphasis fell heavily on grammar nerd jewelry. Although it wasn't as surprising, I did enjoy looking at it. These are pieces I would definitely wear to class!

• A sentence diagramming pendant necklace
• School House Rock! magnets—such fond memories
• This grammar police button would definitely come in handy. They should come standard when one is hired as an English professor.
• A copper necklace pointing out the difference between who and whom. There were also many other pieces regarding to/two/too or their/they're/there. These mistakes are SO common, and completely avoidable!

There were a few non-wearable items:

• An Ampersand Eco-friendly Pillow in Shades of Blue, and
  
• The winner for most unusual goes to the ellipses espresso cup and saucer, pictured above. It seems like an odd use for grammar, but yet, with the ellipses (like a brief pause between words), it works. It seems like it would be a reminder to sit down, relax, and pause between all of the day's planned activities.
  

Happy Thanksgiving!

We've had a good, uneventful Thanksgiving. Keith and Eleanor are already in bed, but for some reason I'm just not ready to fall asleep. Here's 10 things I'm thankful for today:

1. Eleanor
2. Keith
3. spending time with Keith and Eleanor, like we'll be able to with the long weekend
4. mid-afternoon naps with Beckett and Gomez
5. only 2 weeks of class left in the semester
6. Christmas music
7. laughter and good food with family and friends
8. a new hard drive and NOT losing all of our pictures from the past 4 years
9. having a job that is challenging (even if a bit too challenging, sometimes)
10. my fluffy, warm bathrobe and cozy gripper socks
    

Speaking of Quality Time

Let's see, first I complained about not having enough money, but then said that I'd rather have no money and more time home with Eleanor. And now I'm going to somewhat modify that statement, because I'm in a bit of a quandary: we can't decide what to do about preschool.

I can't believe the time has already come to think seriously about this. But she'll turn 3 in July, and local preschools are having their Open Houses now (we missed one last weekend) for kids who will start as 3-year-olds next fall. Registration opens in January/February. I always knew this would be a tough decision for me, but has it really arrived already?!?

Some of you more experienced parents (or aunts/uncles/etc) might think I'm making too big a deal out of this. Let me explain why I feel it's a dilemma, and then you all can tell me what to do.

1. I didn't go to preschool. My mom argued that we had to be on a set schedule for the rest of our lives, so why not enjoy our freedom for the 4 short years we have before kindergarten? There's a lot I like about this philosophy. I feel like I can teach Eleanor a lot that she could learn in preschool, so I'm not entirely convinced that she would be behind for kindergarten.
   
2. Many people argue for the "socialization" aspect of preschool. On the one hand, Eleanor plays with her cousin Gavin twice a week, every week (during the school semester). She lives on a street with at least 10 other children under the age of 4. We have many playdates; I know that she's learning how to play with other kinds. But on the other hand, she's not learning to play with them in a school environment, where she has a teacher and doesn't have a parent there with her. Is this something she needs to learn now?
   
3. On the other other hand, I'm sometimes wary of what socialization she will learn. Will she learn that girls should be quiet? Will she learn about how to deal with a bully? Or that teachers don't always listen to children? These are aspects of our society I'm in no hurry for her to learn.


4. I have no idea how much it costs. Again with the finances! But it is a consideration. What if I end up working Mon/Wed and she's scheduled for preschool on Tue/Thurs? That would mean missing even more time with her AND paying separately for childcare and preschool.

I am considering the compromise of possibly sending her to preschool at age 4. But unfortunately, we found out that our local kindergarten (maybe most, these days?) is a 5 full day program. So I don't feel like we can go from zero school days to a full week of long days, with no transition time.

Any advice?

One Right "Financial" Decision

When I was complaining about our finances earlier, I looked through old blog entries to find a good picture to use with it. That's how I came across "Weighing Future Financial Options," my post from when I was pregnant with Eleanor and debating whether to continue working full-time or not.

Wow. I am so glad I didn't do that. And even though I complain about wanting more money, Eleanor is so much more important than that. And we do have enough money that it is tight, but definitely feasible, for me to work part-time until she's in school.

It means so much to me that I am her primary caregiver. Her alphabet? I taught her that. She knows that polygons are flat shapes with all straight sides, like a triangle, because of a book she and I got from the library. And whenever she ends a sentence with "or not," like, "Are we going to the playground or not?" she sounds just like me.

She's a wonderful, amazing little girl. And if I have to give up frou-frou coffee drinks for years, I will do that to keep spending time with her. It doesn't always feel like it, but I do know the money will sort itself out with time. And by then, Eleanor and I will have spent many happy hours together.

Still Waiting for the Disposable Income

Earlier this week, we paid off a loan. It was the smallest of our many loans for house improvements, but according to schedule we would have paid it off in August 2011. Paying off a loan almost a year early should feel really good, right? You would think so, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I'm starting to get frustrated at our lack of disposable income, which is a bad thing because the situation isn't going to change any time soon, for 2 reasons. Number one, I will keep working part-time until Eleanor is in school—or until any other kids we have are in school. So my income is not going to increase in the new few years, and we will continue to have childcare costs.

The second reason is that we owe a lot of money. Between education loans, mortgage, and all of the money we borrowed to fix up the house in the past 4 years, I feel like our debt-to-income ratio is quite unfavorable. The amount of money we put towards debt, every month, is quite substantial.

On the other hand, I know that part of the reason our disposable income is nonexistent is because of our personalities. Keith and I are both savers. We are saving a good chunk of money for retirement, a piddly chunk of money for Eleanor's college, and we are also putting extra money towards our loans, in order to get rid of them more quickly. These are all good things, but they still make me feel poor when I can't afford a coffee at Starbucks more than once a month.

Finally, I know a big part of why I'm so worried about our finances is because we are naturally at the lowest income level for our adult lives (see reasons mentioned above, mainly: young children). This predictable state of tight budgeting just happens to hit at a time when economy's around the world are, like us, somewhat strapped for cash. And I think this is the part that really freaks me out. Right now, we don't have a lot of cushion. If something terrible were to happen, we don't have much to fall back on. And something terrible, in terms of job loss, is happening to people all over the country—and they are finding it nearly impossible to find a new job. What then?!?

So here I am. We're continuing with our debt snowball repayment plan. Or I guess a modified plan, because we're not sticking with the smallest loan first strategy. We chose the order of payment based more so on interest rates (getting rid of the highest ones first) and threw in a few smaller loans along the way at certain times, just for the sense of satisfaction. The important part is that we are committed to continuing our same debt payment amount per month, whether it's going to 5 loans or one remaining loan, until everything* is paid off.

I feel good about that choice. I yearn for the days when we're not so encumbered by debt, and our choices won't be so heavily influenced by the ultimate question, "Can we afford it?" And to have everything paid off by 2013—no more car loans, education loans, or home equity loan by the time Eleanor is 5—would be pretty amazing.

Except that, today, that still feels too far off. Debt accumulates in the blink of an eye, and takes sooooo long to pay off! It feels like we're making sacrifices on a daily basis, but the debt glacier doesn't ever move. Even paying off the one loan isn't enough to convince me that this is actually feasible. That it will all be worth it, and one day we will be (nearly) debt free. I guess I'm really afraid that we'll spend all of this time watching our budget, having no disposable income, and then something else will come up and the situation will never change. I know, I know .... if we've already paid old loans off by the time something new comes up, we technically will be better off. But I can assure you, it won't feel that way.

Am I making any sense, or just sounding whiny? A part of me realizes that we're doing fine, and we are lucky that we're both employed and able to pay our debts and living expenses at all. But the majority of me seems to believe that everyone else has more money than us, lives better, and drinks Starbucks all the time.

*Except our primary home mortgage loan. Because that doesn't count, right?

Geeky processed meat?

I've started my Christmas shopping by browsing around Etsy. So many cute things! Having the wonderful family and friends that I do, I went ahead and clicked on the "Geekery" category, figuring that would be the best place to start.

All the video games, chemistry (hey Josh!;) and anime items in that category, I get. Dr. Who? Yes.

But bacon?!? How is bacon geeky? How is it anything other than bacon?

And how are there so many handmade bacon items? Lamps, scarves, magnets, earrings ... so many ways to wear and display your bacon.

One of my favorites was the magnet pictured above, which is a combo of bacon-loving and public restroom hand dryers. Don't be surprised if you find this in your stocking this year.

Random Acts of Kindness

I'm sitting at a coffee shop on a bright, sunny morning. Usually I teach on Thursday mornings, but it's a holiday due to Veteran's Day. I still had the child carer come for her usual 3 hours, but instead of getting up and out the door by 7:30a, we bumped back the time to 9.30a. I walked to the local coffee shop to sit and grade papers instead of driving to campus and teaching class.

I've been very low energy lately, so I'm happy to have a day off to catch up on grading and, well, to not be "on." To not have to present ideas to a class and present them with enough energy and interest to get the class interested as well.

So of course, with less than an hour of my time left, I haven't even cracked open the grade book. I've caught up on emails and blogging, chatted with another professor who's sitting a table away, and generally just enjoyed not being on campus.

While sitting here not working, I saw a grandmother and two young girls trying to enter the coffee shop. The grandmother was pushing the baby in a stroller, and a toddler was trying to open the door for all of them. However, she kept pushing against the pull door with all of her might and wasn't getting very far.

An older black gentleman with black glasses and salt and pepper dreadlocks was sitting with his computer at a small table right by the door. As soon as he realized the situation, he got up and opened the door so the family could enter. He exchanged a brief, warm smile with the grateful grandmother.

So many times, I feel like I complain about being in public and seeing all of the stupid, insensitive things people do. Being "off" for a day is helping to recharge my batteries, but I also think that witnessing random acts of kindness goes a long way towards recharging my soul, too.

Storing in the Cloud

Right so, as a follow-up to my earlier post about our external hard drive dying: It died. We were in the process of pulling off all our files when it kicked the bucket.

The good news is that we got all of the pictures (of Eleanor's entire LIFE) from the hard drive and a lot of the music. We did lose some other random files, but not many. We're not really sure what's gone, but our consensus is that it's not anything we're really going to miss.

Moving forward, Keith bought another (different brand!) external hard drive, but with 1 terabyte of memory, which is just insane. But the big difference is that we also signed up for online back up through Mozy. I think we both feel a lot better having a separate copy of our digital lives stored somewhere physically distant from here....just in case.

Or at least, we will once it's a reality. Currently everything is being slowly uploaded from the hard drive to Mozy. Keith has assured me that it will take literally 20 days of pretty much nonstop uploading to finish. So we will feel relieved, in about 18 days.

The Antithesis of NaBloPoMo

Yes, I am pretty much the opposite of the people participating in NaBloPoMo, who promised to post a blog entry every day for all of November. Nearly November 11 and my first post.

I always get nervous, the first post after a short (or long) hiatus. What do I have to say that makes it worth hanging around? Surely I've been doing something in my time of silence, right?

We're getting to the novels in my classes. I'm teaching The Things They Carried in two classes and Frankenstein in the other one. It's exciting to teach novels that I've taught before, which might sound like the antithesis of exciting, but not to me! I've already read the books multiple times, I have summaries and discussion questions and essay questions prepared.

I'm really learning to like the 2nd or 3rd time teaching a subject. I feel like the classes are so much more mine, more engaging, deeper. I can only imagine what the 4th or 5th time would be like, and I can't imagine the 10th or 20th!

Hey, maybe this relates to the start of this post, after all. Maybe it will get easier, the first post after a hiatus, with practice? Or is it more like the first day of class, that I think will always be exciting and nerve-wracking?