Friday, November 30, 2007

In the Name of Science

The world is truly an amazing, unfathomable place. Every day, scientists are learning more about the natural wonders it contains, and its complex and multi-faceted workings.

Similarly, I continue to be amazed every day at the stupidity* of the human race. Even though the "Creation Museum draws thousands" through its gilded doors, to hear "two angelic characters who declare, 'God loves science!'", I'm having a hard time coming up with a truly monstrous personal story about the sad state of humanity. I'm sure I've seen plenty, but apparently I'm blocking them all out.

So instead, I give you The Darwin Awards. Truly superhuman feats, worthy of banishment from the gene pool. Below, just one of the many Darwin Award arguments for why humans should NOT be considered a highly developed species:

(26 August 2006, Leicester, England) Darren's death was a mystery. The 33-year-old was found slumped in the hallway of his house, bleeding from stab wounds to his chest. Police initially assumed that an assailant had attacked him, but they could find no supporting evidence. A year later, the inquest revealed why Darren can stake his claim to a place among the winners of the Darwin Award.

Darren had called a friend, but minutes after he hung up, rang back to ask for an ambulance. The front door was ajar, and Darren was found lying near a bloodstained lock-knife he had purchased whilst on holiday in Spain. Forensics investigators saw no indication of a struggle, and the coroner reported that the stab wounds seemed to be self-inflicted. However, Darren had shown no suicidal tendencies.

His wife, who was on holiday at the time of the incident, cleared up the mystery, and revealed why our subject will go down in history as a Darwin Award winner. As she was leaving for the holiday, she remembered Darren wondering whether his new jacket was 'stab-proof'.

That's right. Darren had decided to find out if his jacket could withstand a knife attack. Did he choose to test his jacket while it was draped over the back of a chair? No, our man decided that the best approach would be to wear the garment and stab himself. Sadly, his choice of armor proved less resistant to a sharp blade than he had hoped.

The coroner reached a verdict of accidental death by 'misadventure'.


*BlogFriday Word: Stupidity

3 comments:

Jonathan said...

I was going to write "excellent", but that wouldn't be an appropriate word at all, would it... good Darwin story though.

I love the old story (even if it is an urban myth) about the guy who attached the rocket take-off assistance rockets to his car - which they found embedded in a cliff half a mile from a crest in the road.

M. Lubbers said...

Jonathan: I hadn't heard that one before, but my husband was familiar with it. I hate to say it, but your country (and mine) are both well-represented in the Darwin Awards!

Bren said...

how many kiwis we got this year then? ;) I loooooooove the darwin awards, but haven't seen a list in literally years. That one has got to be good for a giggle (it's okay to laugh when you don't know the recipient, right? Right???)

And Jonathan, that is by far one of my favourite Urban Myths! It's such a shame that it's not true. Rockets on a car??? How bloke can you get?!