A Very Commercial Christmas

I know I may come across as all "in the Christmas spirit", loving the holiday and all of the trimmings. And while that's mostly true, I can't stand some Christmas commercials. I know, I know: it's a big time of the year for retailers, people are buying stuff so why not get them to buy your stuff?, etc. I get it.

But even so, the premise for many of these commercials is so far out there as to be completely ridiculous. Mostly because they take themselves so seriously. I loved the Kia "Save the Greenbacks" campaign, because it was laughing at itself and the car industry. Personally, here are some of my least favorite commercials/themes this year:

• The Car: A Perfect Surprise Gift. A person sits at a computer, shopping online. She just can't think of a unique gift for that special someone. She looks out the window and sees a car parked beneath a decorative bow and a smile crosses her face ....
  
  Um, yeah. A car is definitely an impulse buy. Sure! Why not? It could be a house down payment, but a car with a bow is so much more fun and spontaneous! I know if Keith surprised me with a car, I'd have a few choice words for him. Once I started talking to him again, which might not happen until mid-2006. Perhaps this commercial appeals to you if 1) you like to drop ludicrous amounts of money to show your net worth, and 2) you and your significant other have not yet combined finances.
  
  
• Diamonds: A True Necessity. Thoughtful, personalized gifts are nice, as are platitudes like "I love you" or "you're the most important person in my life." But if you really want to show your love for a woman, you need to give her diamonds. Lots and lots of diamonds. Even if she's the type of woman who says she doesn't want diamonds, she's just denying her inner voice. Give her expensive diamonds and she'll be won over just like that!
  
  I think my favorite example of this commercial is the one where a woman is asleep in her house. She's woken by flashing lights. She goes to the window to see that her adoring husband has apparently stolen a snowplow and driven it into the end of their drive because he couldn't wait until the next day to give her the diamonds--she needed them now.
  
  Okay, let's start with the snowplow. If the weather is so bad that he needed to drive a plow to get home, mightn't that be needed elsewhere? Perhaps a bit more urgently? What did he say to the snowplow driver, "I have diamonds for my wife, man!" and the driver just backed away and let him have it.
  
  I also wonder why he needs to give her the diamonds right away. Is his mistress coming to Christmas dinner? Is there some reason why he needs to convince her of his love ASAP? Very fishy, if you ask me. Maybe he should have traded in the diamonds and bought her a luxury vehicle with four-wheel drive that he could have used to get home.
  
  
• The "Oh no, we don't have cell phones!" dilemma. A perfect WASP family of four is at the mall, making plans of how to reconnect after they finish shopping. Dad outlines an elaborate plan of who calls whom, and then Jr. realizes, "Hey! We don't have any cell phones!"
  
  By the end of 2005, you don't just not have a cell phone. Like it's never occurred to you. If you haven't bought a cell phone by now, it's a personal decision and you're taking a stand against "The Man" and overuse of technology. (Michael, I'm looking at you.)
  
  Or maybe the moral of the story is, if you have a cell phone and forgot to bring it with you, just buy another one! And sign up for a 7-year contract, while you're at it. Two is better than one, and a family pack of phones is the best!
  
  
• Last-minute shopping is easy. This is actually a type of commercial that I've just started seeing today. While writing the blog, I saw a Walgreens commercial that encouraged last-minute shoppers to visit Walgreens for all their shopping needs. True: I would have been very pleased with a fabric shaver. But what else could be bought there? A paperback novel, crossword book, candy ... I think after four or five presents, I might start suspecting a last-minute present run at Walgreens. If you must resort to this, buy at least one or two gifts early, just enough to mix it up and hopefully dispel your significant other's suspicions.