A Double Shot of Coffee Talk

First of all, I must give props when they are due. And Bob's description of a "Decaf no fat with whip frappa-mocha-latte-chino" surpasses my drink in ridiculosity. Well done, Bob.

Secondly, Keith directed me last night to an article on Slate about the mega-cup of all coffee shops, the caffeine empire: Starbucks.

According to this article, a smaller size than the vaguely-named "tall" does exist. Starbucks claims that the "short" is not listed on menus because there's not enough room, but you can order it at any Starbucks in the country and you'll get it. An 8-ounce cappuccino with just as much caffeine as a 12-ounce tall.

Now, I don't know whether this applies to my preferred mocha drink, or if it's only for a cappuchino. If I'm brave enough to risk looking cheap in front of a snobby barrista, I'll let you know. But it also reminds me of some other things that don't make the menu.

Like the tea selection. No one ever posts their tea selection and coffee shop workers tend to be impatient people. If you haven't conveyed your order within five second after stepping up to the counter, you get at least a raised eyebrow. And if you step up to the counter and then lean away from it, squinting at the menu and muttering "Now, what do I want?," forget about it. They despise you already.

But what am I supposed to do when I know I want tea but have no idea what teas they offer? When I ask for the tea menu, either I get an extensive list printed in size 9 font that had been tucked away behind three layers of advertising, or I am directed to look at the tea boxes 10 feet behind the counter. Now, I'm getting older and my telescopic vision isn't what it used to be. So if it's the boxes behind the counter, and I'm seriously determined, I'll make the barrista read the teas to me.

They hate that. They get irritated very easily. I think this is why all beverages are made in plain view of the customer—because we can sense that coffee shop workers have an 87.6% higher chance of spitting in our drinks than even normal food service employees.

Something that is usually on display, yet notoriously hard to get, are ceramic coffee mugs. I like the environment. I'd like to think that we get along okay, and I do what I can to make life for my friends a little easier. So when a coffee shop has ceramic mugs piled high next to the register, I make sure to say that I'm getting my tall decaf nonfat no whip frappa-mocha-latte-chino for here. And they charge me tax, and put it in a flimsy paper cup with an extra layer of dead trees to insulate my fingers. Is it laziness on the part of individual barristas? Or is it a corporate mandate that the mugs are just for show?

Either way, I'm starting to think that we may need to lead a revolt against some of the coffee shop practices we've just been taking for granted. Order a "short." Or even better, refuse to use Starbucks' manufactured sizes and order a small. Ask for the tea selection and take five minutes to decide, if that's what you need. And stage a sit-in until you get a ceramic mug, if that's what it takes. As people who enjoy overpriced beverages, we have rights!