Is It Really that Hard? Phone Etiquette

Phone Etiquette

I'm not a very good phone talker, in general. I get easily distracted by shiny objects and lose track of the conversation. Or I ramble and completely lose sight of my original train of thought—if one even existed.

But there are other reasons why I don't particularly enjoy talking on the phone. Since Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876, people have been using this fabulous instrument to annoy each other on a daily basis. The annoyance can come from the phoner or the phonee, but most likely both.

The ring. Historically, the ring of a phone is shrill and irritating. But the arrival of cell phones in recent years has taken the potential for "ring rage" to a whole new level. As the person being phoned, it can be your own fault for choosing "Ice Ice Baby", or you may be an innocent bystander afflicted by J. Lo in tinny, cell speaker glory. Either way, the ring sets the tone (couldn't resist!) for the next 10 to 200 minutes.

The salutation. A phone greeting should be subtle. Boring. Stick with your basic "hi" or "how's it going?" Don't try to spice things up by modulating your pitch or using popular expressions like "How's it hangin'?" or "Whasuuuuuuuuuuuuup." (Okay, so those phrases are severely outdated, but I don't speak Britney. So sue me.)

And for Bell's sake, identify yourself. Serious pet peeve: "Hey, it's me." I know I may come off as a curmudgeonly hermit, but I do know more than two people. When I'm doing something else and am interrrupted by the phone in mid-thought or mid-washing dishes, it takes several moments to switch tracks and participate in the conversation. Refusing to identify yourself only prolongs the part where I stand with my mouth hanging open and stare blankly at the phone, trying to fit this voice into a context, based on one or two syllables.

The pleasantries. After all parties have been appropriately identified, the pleasantries commence. Relatively insipid topics like "how's the weather?" or "watcha been up to?" They
require little thought and equally banal answers.

I actually am in favor of the pleasantries. As I mentioned before, phone calls usually interrupt an activity, since I am a very busy, important person. A proper salutation and exchange of pleasantries gives me some time to focus on the phone call and prepares me for the conversation. However, pleasantries can go wrong. I've heard it happen, and it's not a pretty sound.

Pleasantries can become over-extended, consisting of a conversation in and of themselves. Resist the urge to ask every polite question about a person's well being or state of mind; one or two will suffice. On the other hand, a pleasant question deserves a pleasant (read short) answer. Everybody knows the person who actually answers the initial "how's it going" with an in-depth self-psychoanalytical analysis and uses it to launch into a discussion of the latest depressive episode and fear of where one's life is heading. Don't be that guy.

The conversation. This element can only be judged on an individual basis. In general, I approve of conversation. Unless you're a telemarketer, in which case it's less "conversation" and more "belligerent badgering of an innocent citizen."


The distractions. While conversation is a good thing, distractions during the conversation is a bad thing. If you have called me, or have answered the phone when I called and deigned to talk to me, then we've entered into a nonverbal agreement to pay attention to each other. Don't start a conversation with someone in your geographical vicinity that I cannot partake it. Especially if it doesn't even concern me. Don't answer your other line/phone multiple times for minutes at a time.

You may engage in activities like cooking, knitting, folding laundry ... anything that requires physical effort but no mental engagement. You may not read a book, watch a TV show (and tell me what happens), or play Typer Shark.

The sign-off. We've greeted, conversed, and are ready to get off the phone. The best good-byes are short and sweet. "Talk to you later" is always appropriate. You obviously have my phone number and/or I have yours and we've made it through the conversations, so it's a pretty good bet that we will, indeed, talk again at a later point in time.

There's no need for words to come flowing out of your mouth and over the phone lines in a rushing torrent, about any last thoughts that may occur to you. If we've been on the phone for a significant amount of time, if it were really important you would have said it already.

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So now that I sound more like a curmudgeonly hermit than ever, I'm expecting my phone to not ring for the next few days while you all wonder, "Is she talking about me?" I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about everyone—myself included. I do the extended I-might-never-talk-to-you-again good-byes, and oftentimes my conversation probably leaves a lot to be desired. Maybe I'm just saying try not to break all of the rules in one phone call.