In Good Company

Keith and I just finished watching the movie In Good Company. Topher Grace played Topher Grace and Dennis Quaid appeared as himself, as well. To be fair I may not actually "know" these actors, so it would be more appropriate to say that Topher played the Topher guy and Dennis the usual Dennis Q. character.

And although that all probably sounds like I disliked the movie, it actually hit quite close to home for me. Just a few short months ago, I quit a job that made me miserable. It was a move that would probably not be considered a good career decision—more akin to falling off the corporate ladder and breaking a few bones on the way down.

I always thought I'd be okay without a job. I don't need a job to define me! I have a lot going on outside of work. It's not about the money or the prestige; I just want to be a balanced person who contributes to society.

But see, without the money and the full-time job, it's kind of hard to feel like I'm actually contributing to society. What am I doing, really? As much as I hold this blog near and dear to my heart, I would laugh in the face of anyone who tried to tell me that writing this blog is making a significant contribution to society.

But then again, was my full-time job really such a great contribution? But if you don't work, what do you have? Being house-spouse and doing the laundry, keeping things clean, organizing the photo albums ... these are all things that take time and effort. I am certainly not denying that. But if that's all I do, I feel selfish. These are things that only benefit me.

It's great to take time off work and "find" yourself and it would be a happy, happy world if everyone had actually chosen the job they are in, instead of falling into it by accident. If we all did what we wanted to be doing and worked 35 hours a week and had great benefits.

Now that I quit with no new job in sight, the magnitude of my next move is almost overwhelming. I have the opportunity to actually take time and choose where I'll be and what I'll be doing. Or I can at least try—I may find that no one is willing to hire me as a perfume namer, but I can at least try.

What do I want to be trying for? I'm torn, because on the one hand I don't feel like there's any one career path that I really am excited to take. But, on the other hand, I'm starting to worry about the future. I'd always assumed that some day (FAR FAR away, for any mothers that may be reading), when we had kids I would stay home and raise them. Not because I'm the woman or anything so demoralizing as that. But because I can write from home and Keith's honestly the big breadwinner.

But I don't know if I can take staying home. I may need to be in an office, reassuring myself that I'm doing something. Contributing something that people are actually willing to pay a decent salary and benefits for. I'm not sure if I can get that working from home, without peers and bosses and annual reviews and deadlines. Does this mean that I'm a slave to our capitalistic, corporate-driven culture? Or just that I'm egotistical and crave recognition? What are the chances that hanging my articles on the fridge door with scratch-n-sniff stickers would satisfy this urge?