I know that you know what I'm talking about. You've been waiting for this day with breathless anticipation for 364 mornings in a row! It's Groundhog Day! (Happy Birthday, Klein!) (Not that Klein's a groundhog. She's actually a nice, relatively normal human who was born on February 2nd.) (Sorry if I intimated in any way that you're a rodent.)Ahem, so yes, it's Groundhog Day again. I briefly considered looking up the history of Groundhog Day so I could relay to you the quaint customs and where they began. But then I realized that, if you are reading this blog, you can easily look it up for yourself. Instead, I will now make up my own history of Groundhog Day.
*****
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. And the groundhogs weren't going to take it anymore.
The year: 1523 AD. Less than one hundred years after Christopher Columbus first set foot on the New World, and already the humans were chasing the groundhogs out of their fields and away from their homes. If only the rodents could have warned the Native Americans ...
In the most recent battle between human and woodchuck, the groundhogs had lost decisively. They tried luring the humans by pretending to play dead and then launching themselves at the humans' faces. This backfired, however, both literally and figuratively, because the groundhogs had not accounted for the muskets in the men's possession. They needed to be more wily.
In a tribal meeting that lasted all night, the groundhog elders argued furiously about how best to best the settlers. Finally, in the first rays of early morning light, they came to a consensus: they would wage mental warfare.
The next night, they snuck into the village and stole paper, quill, and ink from the stationer's shop. Because, back in the day, groundhogs knew how to write. Oh yes! It's true. Although cuddly looking and with a tendency to be ticklish under the chin, they are formidable opponents in battles of wits.
With another all-nighter, they composed a letter to the village that supposedly came from the governor of the colony. It explained how the groundhogs had magical powers to predict whether the winter would last another six weeks. So be kind to the groundhogs because who wants another six weeks of winter? Not this governor!
The groundhogs delivered the letter before dawn, slipping it under the door of the village mayor and chuckling to themselves as they scuttled away. Of course, the villagers fell for it and groundhogs and people have lived harmoniously ever since.
The year: 1523 AD. Less than one hundred years after Christopher Columbus first set foot on the New World, and already the humans were chasing the groundhogs out of their fields and away from their homes. If only the rodents could have warned the Native Americans ...
In the most recent battle between human and woodchuck, the groundhogs had lost decisively. They tried luring the humans by pretending to play dead and then launching themselves at the humans' faces. This backfired, however, both literally and figuratively, because the groundhogs had not accounted for the muskets in the men's possession. They needed to be more wily.
In a tribal meeting that lasted all night, the groundhog elders argued furiously about how best to best the settlers. Finally, in the first rays of early morning light, they came to a consensus: they would wage mental warfare.
The next night, they snuck into the village and stole paper, quill, and ink from the stationer's shop. Because, back in the day, groundhogs knew how to write. Oh yes! It's true. Although cuddly looking and with a tendency to be ticklish under the chin, they are formidable opponents in battles of wits.
With another all-nighter, they composed a letter to the village that supposedly came from the governor of the colony. It explained how the groundhogs had magical powers to predict whether the winter would last another six weeks. So be kind to the groundhogs because who wants another six weeks of winter? Not this governor!
The groundhogs delivered the letter before dawn, slipping it under the door of the village mayor and chuckling to themselves as they scuttled away. Of course, the villagers fell for it and groundhogs and people have lived harmoniously ever since.
6 comments:
I love groundhogs.
this is unrelated to your post, but I have noticed that your "site feed" is not working. This is something that is usually on by default in blogger and yours was working but now its not. I use firefox and I had a live bookmark for your site, but it went away because the feed is not working. You can see what I am talking about if you go to http://arightgapesnest.blogspot.com/atom.xml
I am not sure how it broke, but I would try the republish entire blog option and see if that works. Thanks!
Andy
Andy,
Huh. I just checked it out and it is still set to be on ... I will try republishing and keep an eye on it. Thanks for letting me know!
just to exagerate on the most recent battle. There was a warrior groundhog, whose name has been lost over the ages, that declared himself "Shiva - destroyer of worlds". He went on a quest to rid the world of woodchucks of the "human problem". Soon after he was hit by a car while crossing a highway. It's a very sad story that I am going to make a movie out of and win an oscar...oh yeah did I mention the groundhog was gay?
You forgot to say whether he flosses his large teeth or not. But otherwise, I think you've got it all covered!
Jeremy, you have been trying to work in "Shiva destroyer of worlds" all day haven't you...good work!
Post a Comment